We thoughts we’d take a break from telling you about what we do and infidelity statistics to try to tell a few detective jokes in honor of April Fools’ Day.
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, “That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?” After quickly downing his drink, the man replied “I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.” “Wow,” exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. “No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.”
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, “What did you do?” “I walked over to my wife,” the man replied, “looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.” “That makes sense,” said the bartender, “but what about your best friend?” The man replied, “I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ‘bad dog!'”
He’s not a PRIVATE investigator, but nobody conducts an interrogation like Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
It was Saturday morning and John’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. John pulls out his cell phone and makes a call.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says John. “Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.”
After a brief pause, John says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Fred, honey!”
“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”
“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”
“Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?”
“He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”
There is a long pause.
“Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are busy with yet another complicated case. Suddenly, Holmes seizes a chunk of blood-spattered limestone from the ground.
“What is it, Holmes?” asks Watson, eagerly.
Holmes turns and replies, gravely, “It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
A woman who came up behind her husband while he was drinking a cup of coffee the other morning and slapped him on the back of the head.
“I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name “Marylou” written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation.”
“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”
The next morning, his wife strode up behind him again and once again, WHAP! right on the back of his head.
“What was that for?” he whined.
“Your dog called last night.”