While many clients contact private investigators because they fear their spouse is having an affair, some companies actually work to do the total opposite. Sites like ashleymadison.com have taken cheating to a whole new level. Their goal is to help spouses explore their feelings with other people without being exposed. Basically match.com for the already taken.
While sites like Ashley claim they do not encourage people to have an affair, their target audience, people unhappy in their current relationships, and their method of income, seems to suggest otherwise.
With Ashley and the like promising a safe place to explore outside your marriage, how are you supposed to know if your spouse is being unfaithful?
Even with all the privacy in the world, these “married dating services” still require time and attention. If you notice your spouse spending more time on the computer than usual or if they start password protecting excessively, this should send up a red flag that something is off.
But what if your spouse is only checking their account outside of the house?
Clients of these sites don’t always stop at the computer. Just like other affairs that begin online, there comes a point when the participants may decide to meet in person. This is where Ashley cannot protect a cheating spouse. Your spouse will still begin to offer up the same excuses: working late, business trip, a night out with friends. If your spouse’s time in the house is slowly decreasing without a detailed explanation (the who, the where and the when), it’s time to start checking up.
If you begin to notice any of these habit changes in your spouse and you’re not sure what to do next, a private investigator can help by monitoring people and online activities. While your spouse is anonymously checking out their options, a private investigator can help you discover just what those “options” are. For a professional PI in the Wilmington, NC area, contact Cape Fear Investigative Services at (910) 762-4374.
A lot of people think of a private investigator as a guy in a trench coat and fedora staking out a place and spying on spouses on behalf of a jilted lover. At Cape Fear Investigative Services, we don’t wear fedoras and we do a lot more than skulking in shadows taking pictures of people. There are three general categories of services that we offer: personal, business and legal. Below, we’ll focus on some of the personal investigative services that we provide.
Personal investigative services are performed for private individuals. The most commonly thought-of service is the infidelity investigation, where we try to determine if one spouse is cheating on another and provide solid proof of the fact. We do a lot more than just that, however. Below are some of the person investigation services we commonly provide.
If you’re in need of any kind of personal investigation service, give Cape Fear Investigative Services a call at (910) 762-4374 to get peace of mind, because peace of mind is priceless.
With the holiday season quickly approaching, most people think of happiness and togetherness with friends and family. Unfortunately, for a lot of couples, this is not the case. For many, the joy of the holiday season can increase feelings of unhappiness. Even for couples who seem to have it all together, the stresses of holiday prep can lead to issues. The extra money spent, the countless days shopping for the perfect gifts, decorating the house and the balancing act of his family and hers can all lead to unseen issues in a relationship.
In some cases, this added stress and gloom can lead spouses to stray. They may go looking for an escape from the holiday chaos in the arms of another person. Cutting down can help lessen the chances of your spouse running off to the corner bar. But with so much to do, where do you begin?
Here are some tips to help alleviate stress in the holiday season for you and your spouse:
Don’t just run out and spend an unlimited amount of money on gifts for family and friends. Sit down and talk it out. How much do you want to spend on specific friends and family members? Where do you draw the line for the kiddos? What’s the limit for exchanging gifts with your spouse?
Preparing for the holidays can take a lot of extra time, but this doesn’t mean other duties just go away. Work can be stressful and your spouse may still need some down time before you drag them out to the crowed mall or throw a box of tangles Christmas lights in their lap.
You can’t be in two places at once, so don’t try. Let your friends and family know where you need to go and when. Find out everyone’s flexibility. There’s no need to visit 4 cities in the same day. If there’s not enough time to visit with everyone on your list, feel free to say no. There are plenty of other day sin the year to catch up.
This goes for finances, time and road trips. Don’t take on more than you can handle. The credit card bills will have to be paid. The decorations will have to be taken down. You will have to get caught up on the work you missed while visiting his family and hers.
While these tips will not guarantee your spouse will remain faithful to you, it can help lessen their stress level, which can increase their enjoyment of the holidays and time with you.
If you do feel your spouse may be cheating, contact Cape Fear Investigative Services in the Wilmington area at (910) 762-4374.
We thought the message board and Facebook conversations submitted to us in our research for last month’s Sexting and Infidelity article were interesting enough to post as on their own. Read through these quotes and leave your own thoughts in the comment section below then take our poll.
Tip B 35 in CT, single: Cheating If it involves pics or telling someone what you want to do with them, when you have a partner, is wrong. If you want to do it, you likely will, especially once the other person knows of your thoughts. Then it’s like the forbidden fruit they are determined to get.
Chris L 45, MD, single: Cheating if your partner doesn’t know about it. It’s a form of interactive fantasy play, and if you’re playing without your partner and without their consent, it’s betraying their trust. I know couples who would enjoy it and read the…See More
James B 41, CA, single, and yes. Unless, as Chris said, there is consent, it is a violation of trust and respect for the relationship.
Michelle S 41, CA, single: It’s cheating but not on same level as, say, sex outside the relationship . Like all things, if there is knowledge and consent from both parties it’s a totally different story.
Brett R: I was heavy into it and it was hard to stop after I entered into a relationship. I’m not into website porn or magazines. It’s the interaction that was the draw. I can see my mates point of view and see it as not giving your attention where it belongs. I will only seek any exchange with a girl if my girl wants to be involved too.
Elizabeth B 20, Michigan, single: I’m not in a relationship but I would consider that cheating. Just because you didn’t actually do it you’re still showing you’re not committed. You might as well go out and do it if you’re sitting there talking to other people about it. If you’re sexting other people while in a relationship you probably will end up cheating at some point.
Tyler B: I have friend who was married for about 10 years. One day he ran into this girl we went to high school with, they exchanged numbers and continued to keep in touch. Turns out they were sexting, even though the girl was well aware that he was married. The wife found out and now he’s divorced. Sexting is cheating, and the reason for its existence is to create an actual sexual encounter. What other reason is there for sexting?
Nicole A 32, San Antonio TX, living together, 1.5 yrs: Definitely cheating. It is completely disrespectful to your partner.
Anne B 41, Queens NY, long distance relationship (LDR), 3 1/2 months: 100% Cheating. You don’t share intimacy with nobody but the person you are committed with. Sexting is an intimate moment.
Mark G 38, Fort Wayne, IN, single: I would consider it more flirting than cheating..
Julie M 48, Texas, 14 months: Yes, sexting is cheating. My fiancé and I both agree on this. It’s the same as saying it. I believe you can actually cheat with your body and also cheat with your mind and heart.
Chrystal C, 29, female from Tacoma, WA, single: If you are in a committed relationship, its cheating.
Kristen J, 45 and single: If you would not be doing it in front of your spouse/significant other or with their knowledge, then yes, I’d consider it cheating.
Hombre L.C.: It’s a type of cheating, but it sure isn’t the same as sleeping with another person.
Ruth D, 36, CA, LDR, 1 year and 4 months: CHEATING because if I can’t tell him about it or he can’t tell me, it’s wrong.
Sarah F: Yes. It’s “emotional” cheating. It’s a betrayal if you’re sharing things you should be sharing with your boyfriend with some other man.
Angela W, 41, living together, 4 years: I consider “sexting” cheating.
Sharla M: Umm most definitely not ok with me.. it is just not being genuine or loyal to your significant other unless your significant other is In the know and is ok with it. So I mean if you’ve discussed it and EVERYONE involved is in the know and EVERYONE is fine with it then ok. I want monogamy in thought and deed because in my last relationship (a horribly dysfunctional marriage of 15 years) my husband was taking me to swingers clubs every weekend and private parties and yacht parties and I’ve seen some things and experienced some things and I am soooooo thankful beyond words to be in a thoughtful respectful, genuine, and entirely monogamous relationship/engagement. I don’t think swinging works no matter how open and honest the lines of communication are. It’s insulting to think one is capable of separating all of those emotions and thoughts from the acts and I’ve learned that cheating is cheating and that’s it.
Jess F, 25, Richmond, VA in a relationship of 5 months: I would say it is cheating in a monogamous relationship for sure! I really had to think about this one. I haven’t really been one for “sexting”. I think it’s dumb. I am one hell of a flirt though and I don’t consider that cheating.
Melissa H: Jess F., you don’t care when your boyfriend flirts with other women? Just curious, I have a friend who says “I know who he is going home with.” When her bf flirts
Isabelle V; As I mentioned in another group, I don’t think sexting is cheating, but I don’t think it’s okay. It’s inappropriate behavior and it violates trust.
Melissa H, 34, Kentucky, single: I think sexting is cheating. It makes you feel less valued when you find out your significant other is doing it. I just (2 weeks ago) ended a 3.5 year relationship after finding out about sexting & instant messaging that lead to physical cheating..
Dave O. 46, OH, in a committed relationship for 3 months: Yes. Unless it is with your significant other.
Sean W: Yes I do consider it cheating, but I am not interested in giving personal details about specific events. I have experience with it and ended a relationship because of it. It is a sign of non-commitment, continued exploration and it effectively hurts just as much as physical cheating. It may be subjective to the individual, but for me it’s cheating.
Karin S: Yes, I view it as cheating. Similar to having an emotional affair vs a physical affair. It is still being dishonest to the person you are supposedly “with”, unless of course, you have PREVIOUSLY discussed being poly-amorous and both people are aware and on-board.
Ivy C, 35, single, FL: Yes, I would consider it cheating. It’s disrespectful to your relationship and your partner and is probably a sign that you’re really unhappy or not completely satisfied with your current situation. And if that’s the case you should talk to your partner not some random person. I think if you’re texting anything with someone else that you wouldn’t want your partner to see (not that I think you have to show them) then you’re probably doing/saying something that you shouldn’t be.
Mike A, 38, TX, divorced a cheater in ’04, single: That’s still a sexual relationship of sorts. It violates your partner’s trust, and the relationship’s exclusivity… no doubt it’s cheating.
Kim S, 47, MI, singlish. Divorced one cheater in ’98, left another in 2008: I do consider sexting cheating. It’s emotional cheating, which is worse than physical cheating. I’ve been the victim of both; of online affairs, sexting “relationships”, and physical cheating. It all hurts, and betrays trust.
Sarah M, 55, Divorced, Cheated once: Sexting is definitely lusting after another person. If you’re in a committed/exclusive relationship it would cause a distraction in that relationship. I find it less of an offense than actually meeting a person, arranging a time and place to meet and physically getting together. I could certainly forgive sexting. It’s very base.
Charlie A: Yes. No different than an email affair. If your mind is there, then you have abused the trust given to you by your partner.
Carlos A, 47, Sacramento, CA, single: Sexting to me is cheating unless you’re in an open relationship. I’m not into those.
Shannon F, 35, San Diego, Married: I don’t consider it cheating per se…I believe that actual contact is cheating…however, it’s completely unacceptable behavior when you are in a monogamous relationship (unless your partner is okay with that sort of thing, of course).
Shannon F: Kim, are you saying you think that sexting is the same as having an emotional affair? Kind of sounds like “physical” cheating from afar. I think of emotional cheating is having someone that you are sharing intimate (non-sexual) thoughts with. Of course, that usually comes with sexual stuff too…so the entire package is what I consider an emotional relationship.
Sarah M: It seems completely physical to me as well…and is it really physical because there’s no actual touching.
Chazz S, 50, Oregon, committed LDR, 4 months Yes, it’s a shared level of intimacy outside your supposedly intimate relationship. or so.
Kim S: I can only tell you my perspective, having lived through it in two separate relationships. I was married at the advent of online social interaction. It had a huge impact on my marriage. Yes it was flawed, and was doomed….not blaming it on the internet. I’m just stating that it was an incredibly easy way to have interaction of any sort with another woman. A marriage should fill all of those needs, and if it doesn’t, then there is a problem. What does my husband who is getting laid 2-3 times a day need with another woman? Female attention ego boosting, you name it, there are a million reasons. It’s very complicated, not just sexual. Again, just my view.
Sarah M: So cheating is physical right? In the traditional sense.
So, if you’re just looking at a picture of someone then… reading or watching porn is cheating.
Darrell G: no its not cheating but it does show very bad taste and a low level of commitment to the relationship you are in, if in any.
Allison T 42, Knoxville, TN, LDR, 1 year: It’s cheating. It’s inappropriate. It’s a deal breaker. Sooner or later it will lead to something more.
Jordan R, Divorced/single in San Diego: Sexting is cheating. It’s not as innocent as flirting…
Kim S: It includes that as well as sexual texts back and forth. Intimate details, conversations. My definition. Much more than just pictures.
Kim S: Sexting brought down the corrupt Mayor of Detroit.
Sarah M: Well, I was thinking things through. Cheating is physical. So how can sexting be physical? So, can sexting be anything more than looking at porn?
Sarah M : You can’t say it’s emotional.
Kim S: You keep saying sexting is physical. I disagree. Physical involves physical contact.
Kim Sloan: I can say whatever I want. This is how I feel after living through it.
Sarah M: I don’t keep saying it’s physical. Cheating the act of infidelity is physical. Looking at someone’s penis or vulva is not physical.
Sarah M: Cheating is physical. Sexting isn’t.
Sarah M: Then quit harping at me. I said it isn’t cheating the same way meeting a person and actually having sex with someone
Allison T: In the pre-cellphone days, just when AOL became popular my friends hubby had an online relationship. He lived in NY, the woman lived in Tx. He sent pics of his cock, a necklace, and very explicit emails about the things he wanted to do. They never met. Never hooked up. But a line was crossed. She forgave him and said it wasn’t cheating. Since then he’s put his cock in several other women. Michael Terry, what was the quote you used to use?
Jordan R: Cheating, to me, is emotional. Fix your relationship so you don’t need to sext, text or im sexually.
Dante H: Sexting is not physical in anyway…..and is cheating even if it is only talking and nothing more. Defined as this
Jen B 43, Seattle, divorced in 2010/recently single: I consider sexting and online relationships an affair. For me it actually is more of a betrayal than a one night stand physical encounter.
It is someone consciously connecting with someone else in a sexual way, over and over again. Sexuality is not just inverting a penis into a vagina. They are seeking it out, taking the time to build a relationship, and choosing to hurt you.
A one night stand is a momentary lack of judgement.
I’ve been on the receiving end of both. I was hurt by the emotional affairs way more than the physical only ones.
Dante H: Can understand and agree with you Jen to a point because no relationship can be built online only……people today think you can but the truth is you cannot……owe you may talk and get to know about each other to a point but you can never know anyone until you meet them in person. That doesn’t change th fact that it is wrong if you are in a relationship or that it doesn’t hurt because it does. It is just the beginning of the lying and betrayal.
Michael T If ya go to the barbershop long enough, sooner or later you are going to get a hair cut
Dante H: Yep sooner or later you will meet and then the real thing begins.
Sharon G: Yes, it is cheating…period. It’s no different than if the person was standing right in front of you.
Christopher R: Cheating, plain n simple
Em C 34/FL, single, reformed cheater: I do consider sexting cheating. It may not be physical cheating but it definitely opens the door to that possibility. It’s possible to become emotionally involved too.
Stephanie L , 30, Chicago, IL, single: I would not call it cheating, but it’s still just as bad as cheating. Just because to me, cheating strictly means physically doing something.
Shawn J 27, FL, single: Yes, sexting is cheating. Talking about sex with someone other than your partner is wrong no matter how you slice it. I’ve never cheated before and never would. I’ve been cheated on twice though.
Jeannie B: If a guy does anything behind your back then it’s cheating .. so sexting, which would be talking dirty, sending dirty pics and telling someone they wanna have sex with them and I don’t know about it before that action has taken place then it is for sure cheating !
Ariel P: Yes thinking or fantazing on someone to cheat with, leads to talking about cheating (sexting), leads to cheating. Its a downward spiral, best to just cut out any temptations that will steer you wrong.
Rose B: if you are in an exclusive relationship then yes it is a form of cheating
Diana A: So I had this bf who was also my gifter(a non discloser)…. we met this girl (age 17) at his house when some of his friends came over. The next day if not the same night she friend requested us on facebook. ok.. so next thing you know he starts “liking” all of her skimpy photos. Then a few days later he starts hiding his phone and making sure I dont see it. So one night after he fell asleep and i was tired of the secrecy I checked his phone. his facebook messages had all been deleted. well back then you had to delete them in the inbox and the send box. he obviously was unaware of this and the send box was still full. they were sexting w pics and had planned to meet. i woke his ass up and told him to get out.
Jeannie B: Fantasizing is not a form of cheating .. actually ppl should be allowed to fantasize in a relationship it is actually very healthy !
Diana A: fantasizing is different than carrying out the act. i think sexting someone who they have access to could lead to infidelity. and pretty quickly. Now if they were 5000 miles away maybe that would be different… until they started making “business” trips out of town. LOL
Jeannie B: I know they are different .. someone mentioned fantasizing leads to cheating and sexting ..
Diana A: i dont think i read everything LOL i dont think fantasizing leads to that. i fantasize mark wahlberg in a sexy love scene leading to him going down on me… doesnt mean it will lead to him doing that…(though i really want him to) HAHAHA
Andrea H: Fantasizing is absolutely not cheating, everyone does and its completely normal. “Sexting” however I consider is, even before it gets to any further step, sexting is the first step towards physically cheating, just like emotionally. Deal breaker, no qu…See More
Sid S: sexting is cheating cause you know the person whom you are sharing the sexting with especially if your partner is unaware of what is going on (that is afterall the premise of cheating).
Carol B: I’m 50 and n a new, long distance relationship for 3 months…sexting is a big part of our relationship at this time. Here’s my thought. Any time u share any part of urself in a sexual natutre be it, physical, emotional, and even by sexting out side of ur relationship, its inappropriate, selfish and its cheating. U are carrying on a secret, sexual affair. Plain and simple…
Ariel P: I think there is a difference though between thinking someone is hot, and then fantazing about having sex with someone else while you’re in a relationship. I’m not saying its cheating, but I am saying that the first step is fantazing about them, and th…See More
Jeannie B: See this is where I believe in being open in a relationship about that type of stuff ^ ^ … I encourage my bf to tell me his fantasies, to tell me if he thinks that girl walking down the street is fuckable, and he also tells me if he thinks my friends…See More
Jeannie B: Ooh and I think a lot of ppl including women fantasize about have sex with someone while having sex with their S.O too !
Connie C, 50, Cleveland, Ohio, single: I would consider it cheating if I were having sexual conversations with another man using any form of communication, while in relationship.
Isabelle V: I don’t think sexting is cheating. It IS, however horribly inappropriate and a violation of trust.
Kara H, Durham, NC, married for five years: Absolutely, it’s cheating. If you wouldn’t show your spouse the text, you know it’s wrong. If you have unmet needs, you need to communicate them and devise a plan to have them met. If you can’t communicate or devise a plan, seek professional help.
Zach D, Wilmington, NC, 35, married 9 years: I would consider sexting cheating. There may not be any physicality to it, but it’s still sharing something intimate with someone you’re not supposed to be intimate with. Marriages have been in a lot of trouble, or worse, ruined, over less.
Chad G: I’m gonna second that, Zach. But it’s about how the relationship is defined, too. There are some freaky couples out there. Carlos Danger’s wife seems to deal with it ok.
Zach D: Agreed, Chad. There are a lot of things that are fine for some couples, and not for others. Some don’t care if their spouse looks at other people, some get angry at that. Some people are swingers, some people aren’t. I’m speaking from the perspective of a traditional, monogamous relationship.
David C: I’m not sure if it’s cheating, but I’m pretty sure it’s pathetic.
Erin D: I wouldn’t be happy if Steve was sexting and/or sending/receiving dirty pics. I don’t think I’d dump him but I’d say we’d have a lot to discuss. On that note, I would not sext with someone else. If your relationship gets to that point, you probably need to think about splitting up. Or if y’all share the pics you receive, that’s ok, too… It’s the secret nature that makes it bad in my opinion.
David C: I’ve been doing this internet thing for a long time, since the 800 baud rubber cup modem days in the 80s, when BBS’s were what it was about (yes I’m old get off my lawn). It’s always been the same. If you need “intimacy” by chatting/cybersexing/sexting/whatever, then you are not satisfied with your relationship. Better to figure that out and do something about it instead of being a coward and just having a sneaky almost-something that’s really all just in your head. Plus it’s narcissistic times ten.
Jason B, 41, Durham, NC: Technology is orthogonal to the question. If you can’t have the same conversation with that person in front of your significant other, you are in a dishonest place, you are cheating.
As it applies to marriage, dictionary.com defines infidelity as:
In this new age of smartphones and texting, a new beast has arisen: “Sexting,” which is the “sending of sexually explicit messages or images by cell phone.”
Sexting can be a great way heat up your romance, or keep a long distance romance sizzling. But if you are in a committed relationship, could it also potentially be a quick way of ending it? I asked this question to Facebook users, and got a host of replies (though most pretty much boiled down to the same answer). “Is sexting cheating?”
Tyler B. shared one experience he bared witness to that involved sexting and a friend of his who had been married for about ten years… “One day he ran into this girl we went to high school with, they exchanged numbers and continued to keep in touch. Turns out they were sexting, even though the girl was well aware that he was married. The wife found out and now he’s divorced. Sexting is cheating, and the reason for its existence is to create an actual sexual encounter. What other reason is there for sexting?”
An overwhelming majority of the adults, ranging in age from 20 to 60, from Oregon to Florida, who answered this informal survey said that yes, it was cheating. However, quite a few added some caveats, like Michelle S., 41, single from CA, “It’s cheating but not on same level as, say, sex outside the relationship. Like all things, if there is knowledge and consent from both parties it’s a totally different story.”
And Kara H from Durham, NC, who has been married for five years pretty much agreed with Michelle, but stated it a little bit differently. “Absolutely, it’s cheating. If you wouldn’t show your spouse the text, you know it’s wrong. If you have unmet needs, you need to communicate them and devise a plan to have them met. If you can’t communicate or devise a plan, seek professional help.”
Most people, though, like Annelisse B. 41, from Queens, NY, did not distinguish any gray area. LDR (long distance relationship), 3 1/2 months “100% Cheating. You don’t share intimacy with [anybody except] the person you are committed with. Sexting is an intimate moment.” Annelise has been in a four month long distance relationship with Chas S, 50, from Oregon. Fortunately, they are on the same page! “Yes, it’s a shared level of intimacy outside your supposedly intimate relationship.”
Sexting has become pretty high profile lately, and that did not go unnoticed by Kim S., “Sexting brought down the corrupt Mayor of Detroit,” or Chad G. “[It’s] about how the relationship is defined… There are some freaky couples out there. Carlos Danger’s wife seems to deal with it ok.”
If you are in (what is supposed to be) a committed relationship and you feel like most of the people interviewed in this article regarding sexting, then finding out that your spouse is sharing intimate texts with another person will most likely make you feel hurt and violated. This violation stems from the significant other’s sharing of an intimate part of themselves with another person in a deceptive manner. Additionally, it is an emotional violation that could has the potential of leading to physical infidelity.
If you feel like your spouse or loved one has been intimate with another person, depending on your definition of infidelity, please contact us as soon as possible. We will help set your mind at ease or get you the answers you are looking for.
Have you noticed how nice it’s been outside the last few days? Weather.com says it’s 76 degrees outside as I type this. It’s beautiful weather and a lot of people are getting outside to enjoy it.
We’ve got a lot of beaches in the Wilmington area: Wrightsville Beach, Carolina Beach, Topsail Island, Holden Beach, Kure Beach. The beaches are great, but between the influx of tourists and everyone trading their winter jackets (because we don’t often need coats around here) and pants for bathing suits, temptation flares up and we see a big increase in infidelity investigations.
If you suspect your spouse of having an affair, contact us. We’ve got years of experience in helping people get the answers they need. We know it’s not easy to talk to a stranger about something so personal, but we’ll do our best to make you feel comfortable, help you through the tough times and point you in the right direction depending on the decisions you make with whatever evidence we get for you.
So while spring and summer are great times of year to be living in southeastern North Carolina, if your gut tells you that something isn’t right in your relationship, come talk to us, because peace of mind is priceless.
According to an article I read recently, Valentine’s Day is the Black Friday of the private investigative industry. It’s the time of year that can kickstart business or create a good chunk of yearly income. Even investigators who don’t do domestic cases say they notice a bump in inquiries.
In our experience, Valentine’s Day itself is not usually busy, but the aftermath of it is. We see a similar correlation with Christmas. Why is that? It’s because that’s the time when credit card statements come in. If a wife sees a charge for Victoria’s Secret but didn’t receive a Christmas or Valentine’s Day gift from the lingerie store, she becomes suspicious, and suspicious spending habits are one sign of infidelity. Here are some others:
While none of these behaviors is definitive proof of infidelity, they are all signs to watch out for. If you find your spouse acting differently and doing one or more of the behaviors listed above, it might be time to contact a professional, licensed private investigator. Call Cape Fear Investigative at (910) 762-4374 to discuss your suspicions and we’ll come up with a way to deliver peace of mind, because peace of mind is priceless.